Recently, wife and I were looking for apartments to rent, as our current lease will end at the end of July, so we decided to start the apartment search four months ahead of our lease end. Manhattan’s rental market gets brutal during summer, as hordes of international students arrive and occupy every rental building in the city. As a result, many of the current residents want to break their leases and look for cheaper contract. So do us. We put our apartment for sublease during the weekend, hoping that someone might snap the ‘hidden gem’ by the west end of 42^nd. We were apparently so wrong, because the supply for sublease was so much that it is apparently a ‘buyer’s market’. Well, fortunately, we saw an apartment in the Upper West Side, right next to the Lincoln Center. It has a small bedroom and a sizable walk-in-closet. The best part of the apartment is that it’s furnished to the top standard, with most appliances made by Bosch.

Wife wasn’t very happy about the apartment at first, as she was very particular about the orientation of the apartment. I get it, sunlight matters. In the densely populated city grid of Manhattan, even a tiny bit of sun exposure or view sells. Our ideal apartment, with southern exposure, river/park view, good location, top of the notch amenities, doorman, a decent gym or washer/dryer in the unit, would easily cost over 4,500 dollars a month. Technically, we can afford this level of luxury, but it is not worth it. I convinced my wife into abandoning some requirements of hers. We ended up seizing the economical apartment by the West End Ave. I was very satisfied and happy about this decision, paying only about 3,300 dollars a month for a smart-sized apartment in the center of Manhattan. She also was happy, because the footwork we had during the weekend searching for The apartment had its mark on her. As I always believe, a happy wife makes a happy life.

Oh, did I mention that the stock market is crazy today? It climbed more than 600 points by the end of morning. Let’s recoup some money.

I’ve recently had very similar feelings to those that I had during the good old time of my middle school. I haven’t been stressed a lot; I am living a healthy life; I am confident that I will pass my qualifications; I also start dating and seeing different people. Those past years hadn’t been great, as I was struggling to maintain a good academic standing and accepting myself. Growth is always painful. Too much frustration made me doubt about myself as I wasn’t sure where I would be going. The panic exacerbated last quarter, when I was in the midst of 240A, 281A and 282A. The frustration that I suffered when learning 240A was gigantic; it was like the first time in my life when I put in effort but got nothing in return. The panic was felt by and spread to my parents during my winter break, as I was anxiously catching up with the course materials. Well, luckily, I dropped the course this quarter, under the persuasion of the chair of the department and the force quit by the teacher. That made me much freed up the quarter and able to learn the materials of other courses much better.

I just felt that my switch to English blogging is similar to my mindset thinking in a very Westernized way. Well, technically, the “Westernized mindset” is very similar to some good old Chinese wisdom where people are taught to forget about money chasing and climbing up the social ladder while focusing on making oneself happy and tranquil. But those are not the values that the current society of China echoes with. Money making is the sore measure of one’s ability, and it seems like capital has taken every aspect of the public and private life in China, be it the movie you see in the theaters or the app you use on your iPhone. Ugh. Anxiety can be felt everywhere. People are always afraid of missing the next “big thing”. Come on, in the long history of human sapiens, missing one year’s technical advance won’t kill you, not to mention the bubbles in the technical advances.

Here I am, lying in bed, numb at my back and legs, unaware of the consequences of abolishing my initial plan of studying chemistry. Numb also at heart.

So much calculations have been poured into navigating a future path, the politically correct and practically feasible path. Yet, the sensations of the negligible pulses seem to fade away, unconsciously. Too long have I ignored its pulses, pounding circadianally, its movements and its feelings.

Grey is outside. Rain drops erode the most optimistic heads and hearts. No body even cares that much. Attrition of force. Wearing out. Feebled at heart.

Thanksgiving leaves the whole campus destitute. No life clues could be seen when I walk down the bare McGill Walk. No twittering of birds. No barking of dogs. Deadly silent, with only the rain constantly biting the cobbled path.

Stars are visible at night. At times, a couple of planes will make a curvy trajectory and tear up the black backdrop.

Moody days. No one really cares what is happening. No words would suffice to underline the deep anxiety and frivolity of the restless minds.

Here I am, thinking of the old days when I was similarly lying in bed, listening to the rain outside the window in Singapore and back in China, not sure what the future will bring us to.

Random shits. The magical cat summons the most sinister force upon the earth. And all things seem to fall apart at once.

If I were a pen, I would draw the most beautiful picture ever.

Hungry and numb.

It has been such a long hiatus since I logged into my wordpress.com last time (more than one year ago?), and I feel deeply guilty for not updating my blog. There are a few reasons why I stayed away from my blog, the primary being that to use a VPN in China during my time at home was such a tedious thing to do amidst the endless friendly gatherings and travelings I had. The deeper reason being, I have long stayed away from serious meditations and reading. I was in a constant vertex of meeting people, learning new things, going to new places and finding new food, failing to pause for a moment to sit down on my own and look at myself. 

That may sound too cheesy and narcissistic, but I still need to confess it. I wanted to separate from my old self, especially when I read through those old posts and twitters, most of which were in such an immature and self-absorbing tone and having no meanings and insights at all. What a waste of time for any reader who accidentally bumped into my blog! I don’t really know where I am going and who I will be even in short future, but deleting more than two thousands of my Weibo posts (a Twitter-like microblog service in China) might be my first step.

So here I am at the school I had dreamt so much last year, knowing nothing about how I should make out of it. Education is more than things we could take away from classes. Easy things such as how to deal with a tight schedule, choosing between a social life and a stoic one, or how to love a person all take time and effort. I am more dubious about myself than ever, as the future is amazing tantalising, yet completely uncertain and random. Even though I try to cling to something solid and stable, I can never guarantee that it may one day crumble. 

Shape up, pull my socks up, and move on!